Paleo bake-fest gone bad

Posted: September 16, 2013 in Crossfit Food, Crossfit Lifestyle
Tags: , ,

Ever notice how the paleo stuff you bake looks yummy but tastes like dried out ear wax?

Pre-cooking adventure WOD

Pre-cooking adventure WOD

And why is it the photos in the paleo cookbooks make every recipe look so scrumptious but when you make them they look nothing like the photo in the cookbook?

Life was so much simpler when I could run into the grocery store, pick up a brick of refrigerated chocolate chip cookie dough, bust off some pieces, pop them in the oven and, viola, I’m Martha freakin’ Stewart. Now, I’m buying almond flour that costs almost $12 for one flimsy bag.

The makers of paleo food products must see us coming and jack up the price. “Here come those crazy Crossfitter who spend $40 on jump ropes. Let’s see if we can sell them a bag of almond flour for $12!”

Seriously, $12 for a bag of almond flour? And don’t get me started on coconut flour. Don’t get me wrong, I love coconuts – especially coconut water and Mounds bars. I even have a coconut tree in my backyard, which has provided endless hours of frustration trying to open up one of the damn things.

But coconut flour is impossible. If you want to bake something that crumbles before you can get it in your mouth, use coconut flour. Say you have a drooling problem…coconut flour can fix that. It will dry your mouth right out and then start sucking fluids from your gastro-intestinal tract as your body attempts to digest it.

Trust me, just go eat a Mounds bar if you want coconut.

I’m on this rant because I’ve been baking and cooking paleo for the last four hours. My satellite TV is down, which means no Sunday Night Football or Dexter. A friend recently gave me a paleo cookbook so I thought, let’s do some cooking tonight!

The salmon cakes were delicious. The raisin muffins were edible but dense, like fruit cake without the rum. For my finale, I made molasses cookies. My mom, God rest her soul, used to make the best molasses cookies. I really miss her and her molasses cookies. So, when I found a molasses cookie recipe in my new cookbook I said, why not? I’ve still got plenty of coconut flour!

Okay. Here’s the photo of the molasses cookies from the cookbook. photoAnd here’s the photo of my molasses cookies (Mom used to use a fork to mush them down.) mycookiesThey look pretty good, right? Well, they aren’t. They suck. They look like Mom’s cookies but they in no way come close to the taste.

I can’t help but think if I took them down to Starbucks I could probably make a fortune on them because people who go to Starbucks seem to like coffee that tastes like battery acid and would probably love organic, paleo molasses cookies that taste like dried ear wax.

However, I do make a wicked good paleo chocolate chip cookie – which contains NO coconut flour – just lots of almond butter, which is about as expensive as almond flour.

Have almonds and jump-ropes always been this pricey?

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