Posts Tagged ‘Bacon’

As of today, I have been on the planet for exactly 20,089 days, which makes today my 55th birthday!

A lot of women probably don’t want to turn 55 but I have been longing for 55. Two reasons: 1. My employer provides lifetime medical benefits to employees 55+ who have worked at the company for at least 20 years. 2. Weights and movements are scaled for 55+ Masters in the CrossFit Open.

KeepCalmIn other words, I don’t have to lift as much weight or throw as heavy a damn wall ball as you do! Na-na-na-na-boo-boo. 

The lifetime medical benefits are great. However, the odds of me ever retiring are pretty slim so I may never get a chance to use them. Still, I earned them and that’s all that matters.

As for the scaled weights and movement, I intend to take ruthless advantage of that advantage. Ruthless.

For example, here was the Week 1 WOD that I did last year:

WOMEN – includes Masters Women up to 54 years old

Proceed through the sequence below completing as many reps as possible in 17 minutes of:

  • 45 pound Snatch, 30 reps
  • 30 Burpees
  • 75 pound Snatch, 30 reps
  • 20 Burpees
  • 100 pound Snatch, 30 reps
  • 10 burpees
  • 120 pound Snatch, as many reps as possible

And here’s the 55+ ladies’ WOD

MASTERS WOMEN – includes Masters Women 55+

Proceed through the sequence below completing as many reps as possible in 17 minutes of:

  • Jackson40 Burpees
  • 35 pound Snatch, 30 reps
  • 30 Burpees
  • 55 pound Snatch, 30 reps
  • 20 Burpees
  • 75 pound Snatch, 30 reps
  • 10 burpees
  • 90 pound Snatch, as many reps as possible

See where I’m going here? There’s a big difference between a 55# snatch and a 75# snatch. Like a 20 pound difference. It gets better, I now get to use a 10# wall ball – which I didn’t even know we had – instead of the 14# wall ball. Four pounds makes a big difference.

I now get to do jumping chest-to-bar pull-ups instead of regular chest-to-bar pull-ups. I don’t know what a jumping chest-to-bar pull-up is but it can’t be harder than a regular C2B, can it?

It kind of feels like I’m getting a AARP discount on my lifts and movements and by-golly, I deserve it. So, to honor this special day I’m going to work on my 35# snatches and see what a 10# wall ball feels like. Ah, the privileges of age: wrinkles, gray hair and jumping C2Bs – whatever they are.

Maybe some non-paleo cake, too.


It just so happens that I am a fan of Epic Meal Time – the YouTube internet cooking show devoted to  putting as much fat and calories as humanly possible into meat-based entrees.

It’s a pretty simple premise, kind of like Cheesecake Factory Gone Wild set to The Terminator soundtrack.

All I want for Christmas...

All I want for Christmas…

Taste seems to be a side issue. It’s calories and fat. And bacon strips and bacon strips and bacon strips and bacon strips and bacon strips…

I doubt I would have stumbled onto EpicMealTime on my own. No, I needed the knuckleheads at CFCP to turn me on to something this…this…this…profoundly odd.

I probably wouldn’t have noticed the guys watching and Epic Meal Time clip because if they’re not working-out they’re standing around the large computer screen mounted on the wall looking at YouTube videos of:

1. How to do a particular lift and the unfortunate consequences of doing it wrong

2. Reruns of the CrossFit games

3. Random weird stuff

4. Butts – specifically the butts of women who obviously do LOTS of squats


Random conversation overheard at the box this week:

“I eat turkey bacon.” 

Turkey Bacon

Turkey Bacon

“Dude, I can’t believe you eat turkey bacon. Turkey bacon is so gay.”

“Turkey bacon is not gay, it’s got a lot of protein and hardly any fat.”

“My dog eats turkey bacon.”

“Then your dog is a beast. Turkey bacon is good for you.”

“Have you ever looked at what’s in turkey bacon? You’re going to glow in the dark when you’re old if you keep eating turkey bacon.”

“Turkey bacon is better than regular bacon. I eat it for breakfast.”

Piggy bacon

Piggy bacon

“Piggy bacon is better. Turkey bacon is un-American. Do you burn the American flag for breakfast, too? You probably drink soy milk.”

“I do not drink soy milk!”

“Soy milk will raise your estrogen levels. You better stop drinking soy milk with your turkey bacon.”

“I drink whole milk!”

“My dog drinks whole milk.”

“Then your dog is a beast!”

“Have you ever seen my dog?”

We were sitting around the other day after a particularly tough WOD, talking about food. Seems if we’re not talking about lifting or supplements or competitions, we’re talking about food.

And you can’t have a conversation about food without the topic of BACON coming up. Usually, it’s about how much bacon someone has consumed or some weird new pairing of bacon with another food: Bacon cookies, bacon cupcakes, bacon encrusted salmon.bacon-suit

After awhile, bacon discussions get kind of old. I mean really, it’s just a slice of pork in a vacuum-sealed plastic pouch. It’s not like a standing rib-road or brisket. I don’t even understand why bacon is so special to CrossFitters. How did the whole bacon obsession get started?

But this bacon conversation we were having while I was splayed out on the floor in a puddle of sweat did an abrupt about face when Matt, my coach, asked a question I had never heard before during a bacon conversation:

“Is there anything that wouldn’t taste better with bacon?” Matt asked.

We all went silent and you could see wheels spinning in everyone’s head.

“What would not taste better with bacon?” Matt asked. “I would eat ice cream with bacon.” We all agreed, bacon and ice cream sounded pretty damn good. It’s got that whole sweet and salty thang going on.

Bacon and yogurt? That would work. They put yogurt on the sliced lamb in a gyro, right? Bacon and apple pie? Oh man, that would be delicious. Bacon bits and M&Ms? I would eat that. Slices of watermelon wrapped in bacon? I’m drooling. What about bacon wrapped around a Twizzler. I would inhale that.

We could not come up with any food that would not taste better with bacon.BaconLady

Then one of the members who owns a really nice restaurant walked in and sat down on the rower. Matt walked up to him and popped the question: “Can you think of any food that wouldn’t taste better with bacon?”  The guy stopped rowing. You could see the little wheels turning in his head.

He started to say desserts but then he stopped himself. Who doesn’t love sweet and salty?

This debate went on for awhile but every time someone suggested a food, someone chimed in “I would eat that,” and we all nodded. Indeed, we would eat that, too.

Matt came very close to ending the debate when he said “toothpaste” but then the restaurant owner reminded him that you don’t eat toothpaste – at least you’re not supposed to, Matt.

I finally left. I had to go feed my dog, Dog, who happens to gets a slice of diced turkey bacon with every meal.

Lucky Dog.

It’s been a few days now and I haven’t come up with any food that would taste yucky with bacon. As with all things CrossFit, I’m spending way too much time thinking about bacon.

Please, help me out. Is there any food that would not taste better with bacon?

I asked my coach, Matt, to have a come to Jesus talk with me about food. I know how to eat well. He knows I know how to eat well. But the only time I eat well all the time is when I know Matt is watching.

I need that, even though I’m more than twice Matt’s age.

My problem is that I don’t have an OFF switch. If one protein bar is good for you, three must be better. Right? If one workout a day is good, two must be better. Whether it’s avacados or husbands, more is  better. more_more_more_main_a2

Last year my dermatologist gave me some kind of weird chemotherapy cream for my face. I’ve had a couple of squameous cell skin cancers removed. She said to use a small amount on my face once a week. What did I do? I slathered so much of it on my face I looked like a mime. Of course, I didn’t do it once a week, I did it twice in one day.

What happened? I got sick – just like people who get chemo get sick – but not as bad or for as long.

If I’m lucky, Matt won’t get out his evil calipers and do a body fat test. I hate the evil calipers almost as much as I hate the AirDyne. Unfortunately, both are probably the best thing that could happen to my training: Calipers and AirDyne.

So, today I start keeping a “food log” again. When I put it down on paper and then send it to Matt, I’m a leaner and meaner menopausal athlete. I tend to behave myself more. No more whipping up a batch of my  famous paleo chocolate chip cookies. Just because they’re paleo doesn’t mean you can eat 15 of them.

There’s something to be said for finishing in damn near last place.

Something such as “F#@K” or “Let’s go eat some gluten-free pizza with bacon on top.”

I said both.

Had there been a 50+ division I would have taken second – out of three. But, it was a 45+ division and I took 8th out of nine. I beat the 60-year-old lady, Lynn Johnson, who finished 25th in the world open in the 60+ division. Look for her next year at the games. That girl is going places.

The important thing is that we had 13 ladies over 40 competing in the Master’s division. Of those, 9 were over 45. Three were over 50.

Ditto for the men: Of the 15 men competing in the masters division, 9 were 45+. That’s 60 percent. Of the nine in the 45+ division, three were over 50.  (Shout out to Ira Spector, who just started Crossfit in December and blasted through the snatches)

Which just goes to show that if race organizers would masters divisions that recognize a 40-year-old and 60-year-old should not be lumped into one masters division – WE WILL COMPETE!!!

RAID 4 showed immense progress in the battle of the ages. It is the first regional competition I am aware of that had two masters divisions: 40-44 and 45+. Seventy percent of the masters women were over 45!!!!

Let’s keep the momentum going. Now we need a 50+ division – or scale the weights for the 50+ athletes.

Anyway, I got my ass kicked by a bunch of really great ladies – most in their middle 40’s. The exception is my friend Mary Hallman, who will be 54 in a few weeks. Mary is not only a beast but has a great laugh and is the kind of competitor who will cheer on her competition. Love that about Mary.

I learned a few very important lessons competing in RAID 4 this weekend:

1. Do not do 6 hours of cutting hedges, mowing the lawn and weed whapping the day before a competition.

2. Listen to your coach, especially when he’s giving you good advice while you’re in the middle of a WOD. He knows what he’s talking about.

3. There is a good reason why Crossfit boxes do not have mirrors. (See picture)Nasty photo

4. Losing is valuable. It shows you exactly what you need to work on.

5. Do not be a sore loser. No one likes a whiny, self-absorbed, self-flagellating Crossfitter. Man up. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Take your loss on the chin and then go out to dinner with your buds from the box and eat gluten-free pizza with bacon on top. Crossfit is about working hard AND playing hard.

Remember, your are a masters Crossfit athlete and even when you finish second-to-last, you have still accomplished what only a tiny fraction of people our age can do.

Now, where did I put that ibuprofen?